Listen up, quaids. If you have ever talked to me ever, you’ve probably at one point thought “What the heckles is a quaid?”

Here are some representative sentences in which you may have heard the word used:

• Listen up, quaid.
• Stop being such a quaid, quaid.
• I’m not doing that. Do I look like a quaid to you?

Here’s what a quaid is not:

• A word of my own invention
• In any way related to Dennis Quaid
• In any way related to Randy Quaid
• In any way related to Quaid-e-Azam Muhammed Ali Jinnah, founder of Pakistan
• A real word

If you swallowed your pride and admitted to not being up with the latest ‘slang’, you received the official definition of:

quaid. [kweyd]. noun. Plural quaids. Feminine quaid bitty (-ies)

1. If you have to ask what a quaid is, you’re probably a quaid.
2. A general undesirable.*

*(Note: Only 42% of panelists accepted (2) as admissible)

To uncover the etymology of the word, we have to journey through decades, multiple media formats, and lore. I suppose the best way to go about this is to adventure chronologically?

In 1966, the American science-fiction writer Philip K. Dick wrote a story called We Can Remember It for You Wholesale, which follows the protagonist Douglas Quail as he discovers that he is a secret government assassin when he attempts to purchase memories of a sexcapade on Mars. Dick’s works “often become surreal fantasies as the main characters slowly discover that their everyday world is actually an illusion constructed by powerful external entities, vast political conspiracies, or simply from the vicissitudes of an unreliable narrators”, says wikipedia as of this writing.

If that little plot snippet sounds familiar, you would be absolutely correct.  Dick’s story was adapted into the movie Total Recall in 1990, directed by Paul Verhoeven, who also directed such gems as Showgirls (1995), Hollow Man (2000), and Starship Troopers (1997). Paul Verhoeven, in addition to being a director of hella sweet action flicks, also wrote a book last year about how Jesus, coincidentally, is the result of Mary getting raped by a Roman soldier.

The protagonist’s surname got changed from Quail to Quaid in the movie, which, I suppose, is where our story really starts. “Quaid”, when said aloud, is perfect word painting for Arnold’s acting ability. Say it slowly and deliberately, and it’s clear that its meaning is derived from its phonemes; it’s nearly onomatopoetic. It lands with a thud in your mouth.  “Quail” would have been a much too elegant surname for someone who gets hit in the nuts at least three times during the course of the film. I completely agree with the name change choice for the record.

It is vitally important that you are familiar with this movie.  Every single frame is genius, from the GIVE THIS PIMPLE ERR to the meatshields to the digital color-changing fingernails.  In case you aren’t familiar with the movie or would like a refresher, I have taken the trouble to edit the entire movie down to 5 minutes.  I recommend you watch it. (audio NSFW)

Okay, now that we’re all on the same page, we can all agree that there is zero reason why there isn’t a law forbidding sentences to be written or phrases to be uttered without references to this masterpiece.  Moreover, it should be completely unsurprising that it spawned a cultural microphenomenon nearly 20 years later.

Fact: Minority Report was going to be adapted to be the sequel to Total Recall – it was going to be set on Mars and the dick-stabbing midget prostitutes were going to be the precogs. Tom Cruise’s character was supposed to literally be named Quaid, which would have been just too fitting. (Cuz Tom Cruise is a quaid)

Now, here’s where things start getting really important.  In 2007, at the beginning of SNL’s current renaissance, this skullsploding sketch got tucked in towards the end of the show.  Deconstructing comedy is almost always a losing game, so just watch it.  Or read the transcript here.  But seriously, it’s genius and stupid and disgusting and gloryful.  You can tell the actors can’t actually believe it’s on the air because there is really no reason for the FCC to not fine them for such an atrocity, but at the same time, it’s moving to watch them take what could conservatively be described as a genocide of scriptwriting and pornographically narcissistic jokesturbation and turn it into a nuanced, enduring masterpiece.

Fact: Smints are a subsidiary of Chupa Chups.

Since no one actually watched SNL 3 years ago, the four people responsible for bringing this sketch to humanity are the guy on the right in this video, this drooling guy that blogs under the nom de plume Boosh here, the original inventor of this sketch comedy group I was in for 4 years, and the voice of this banana.

The word was first deployed to describe the following situation: Mid-October, 2007.  House party hosted by the four souls listed in the previous paragraph. A closed party, in fact, in which the only invitees were members of our comedy troupe.  Suddenly, a group of 12 unknown, non-invited freshmen parade up the stairs at 2 A.M., double the population of the gathering, go into the kitchen,  realize that there is no beer, and walk out of the house without pausing at any point.  They were the original quaids. 

And henceforth, anyone exhibiting similar moral or personality qualities to those 12 quaids were to be referred to as quaids.

There you go.  The complete history of the word quaid.  Probably less interesting than you were hoping for.  Now that the secret’s out, the word quaid is no longer cool, and anyone who uses it is a quaid.