Jee. Zuss. Christ.

I don’t think I have ever seen a musical performance on a daytime talk show anywhere as incredible as yours yesterday on Ellen.  Readers, please put the following video into your eyes.  I promise you, it’s like community service for your occipital and temporal lobes.  Specifically the visual and aural perceiving portions.

I don’t know even where to start.  Just kidding, yes I do.

WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD !?!?! [Look Nate, an interrobang approximation]. No wait, I know what it is.  It’s the thing from Contact with Jodie Foster that lets her figure out that she does indeed believe in God.  Or that she doesn’t believe in God.  I don’t really remember since I was like 13 when I saw it.  You remember exactly what I’m talking about.  That’s just like her hat, right!? I know. I know, right!?

Next item.

I HAVE NEVER LIKED ANY ONE-PIECE GARMENT MORE THAN I CURRENTLY LIKE YOUR CURRENT ONE-PIECE GARMENT. Listen, I lived in the non-matching-denim capital of the world, Buenos Aires, Argentina, for six months. I wanted to puke every second in the downtown area because of the quantitude of non-matching jeans and denim jackets.  I nearly literally always need to puke when seeing incongruous denim shades. But your denim-patched onesie makes me want to the opposite of puke. It makes me want to inverse puke. It makes me want to unpuke. Your denim-patched onesie is in fact most quite becoming on you, Miss Lady Gaga.

Let’s move on to your actual talent and performance, shall we?

Can we talk about your clear, bubble-filled piano? Yeah, that’s what I said.  It’s a piano that is the following things: (1) Clear (2) Filled with bubbles.  You know that that’s not even how pianos work, right?

Oh, and also. You put your butt in the air.  On the Ellen show.  GOLD STAR AND MEDAL OF HONOR.

There has never been a classier interpretation of The Robot, nor of The Sprinkler.  Michael Steele could not approach your talent level.

MOAR DESCANT

Dip thine balls in eye makeup, gain +14 EXP

Make Ellen cry?? +1400 EXP!!!

Lady Gaga, you are my new favorite entity (sorry, Mom!). You can do no wrong. Let me borrow your boots?