Jesus Christ.  Have some fucking self-respect.  How much do I hate thee?  Let me count the ways:

1. Rolled up cut-off skinny jeans.
2. Whatever those fucking slippers are.
3. Red Air Jordan whateverthefuck high tops.
4. Ironic Ray-Bans. We get it. They were popular in a different decade. Or something.
5. Studded belt from Wet Seal.
6. Whale tank top. Whale. Tank top.  Edit: Apparently it’s a shark tank top. All the more loathsome.
7. Your goddamned smug fucking smirks.  How the shit did you learn to smirk irony?
8. Your mustaches. Holy lookatthisfuckinghipster.com, your mustaches. Can we zoom in on those fucking mustaches for a hot second?

Disgusting. You need to get put down. 

Did I get all of them?

You know what’s even more disgusting?  I’m good friends with these assholes.  We were in a sketch comedy troupe together, and they are hella hilarious.  They have a new website that you should immediately and continuously consume. It’s called So Fucking Metal, and it is exactly what you expect.  Seriously, go there and check out the video of the eagle repeatedly throwing goats off of cliffs.  EAGLES THROWING GOATS OFF CLIFFS.  Stop reading this and click the link already.  So you can gloat that you knew about it before it got popular and sold out.